Now that I have received my first bill, I guess it's official - my internet sabbatical is over, and I have returned to the land of celebrity gossip, torrents, youtube, internet porn, and many other glorious things that have been otherwise fairly unavailable to me for nearly a month.
Of course, now that it's "up and running," I'm still having amazingly frustrating issues with it. Why don't my internet providers understand that I secretly feed off of the internet? Why don't they get that now that I have it, I can't let it go? And most importantly, why does it start working every time I call, making me sound like a cursing, angry, useless idiot?
My enemy is invisible, faceless, sometimes called John or Vera (the Internet People who were of absolutely no help to me). I feel as though I am cursing a greater power, something that's completely out of my control, like I'm pissed the fuck off at the sun.
So I blog in wait, offline, quickly saving my draft when the brief flashes of light on my modem indicate that I can access the internet for but a moment. I blog on hold, while I'm asked the same questions over and over again, proving that they think I'm a complete moron (subsequently causing me to feel like one). I gnash my teeth and tear out my hair, I pace back and forth, I yell at the cats.
John tells me tech support needs to come out and look at my phone line, for the low low price of $80. Vera basically tells me that I'm stupid, and, after a long silence, gives me her "uh well thank you for calling us" spiel and hangs up as quickly as humanly possible.
This experience has reinstated my deep, deep hatred for most IT people (apologies to my entire family). Just wait, internet, I'm coming for you. We'll have a sick, codependent relationship like we used to. You, the provider and me, the junkie. We will fulfill each other once again, I swear it.
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